50 Ways to Kill Your Fish: Crowded Tank

If you post an online picture of a beautiful hobbyist-owned aquarium packed full of fish, you'll probably get several reactions:

1. OMG, that is the coolest thing I've ever seen! (＾▽＾)
2. OMG, that is the cruelest thing I've ever seen! ((╬◣﹏◢))
3. OMG, how did they accomplish that? I must know! ლ(ಠ_ಠ ლ)

That's because there are sooo many differing opinions on how many fish in a tank is too many. Asking "How many fish can I keep in my aquarium?" is like asking "How many cats can I keep in my house?" – it totally depends on each person's preferences and lifestyle.

Clearly, five cats is not enough. You need at least six in a school or else they start getting nippy.

Huge props to the Real Fish Talk: How Much Is Too Much? video for breaking it down like this:

The more fish you have,
The more food they eat,
The more waste they create,
The more work you have to do to keep the tank clean.

In other words, more fish = more time you'll have to invest to maintain them and keep them healthy. My idea of fun is enjoying my fish without having to change their water more than once a week, so if that's not achievable, I probably have too many fish or something else needs to change. (I'm not lazy; I'm just low maintenance...) For example, I once tried to keep two axolotls in a 20-gallon tank, which was fine when they were juveniles. However, the larger they got, I found myself doing daily water changes to keep up with the huge waste load. (No one told me these things lay giant doggy turds!) Clearly, I had one too many axolotls in that tank and I was no longer enjoying my hobby as much as I wanted.

"Welcome back to Survivors: Axolotl Edition! Who will get voted off the island in this episode?"

When it comes to deciding how many fish are going into an aquarium, I like to plan rather than impulse buy. The AqAdvisor aquarium stocking calculator is a nice starting point for beginners. You enter your tank size, filter brand, and a list of fish, and the website spits out recommendations on compatibility and how "full" your tank is. Then you slowly start adding fish and regularly test the tank water every few days to see how clean it stays over time. (For freshwater parameters, people usually like to see 0 ppm in ammonia and nitrites and maybe 40 ppm or less of nitrates.)

Case in point: here's the step-by-step plan of action for building my community tank 3.0:

1. Research different combinations on fish and stocking levels using caresheets and AqAdvisor.
2. Set up and cycle my display tank with live plants and biological filter media.
3. While it's cycling, buy my favorite fish first (cory catfish) and put them in quarantine.
4. Six weeks later, move the cory catfish in the display tank and buy my second favorite fish (dwarf gourami).
5. While he's in quarantine, regularly test the main aquarium's water to determine how often I need to do water changes.
6. In another six weeks, rinse and repeat step 3 with my next favorite fish and so on.

As long as the water parameters stay stable without me having to do more than one water change a week (my personal limit due to time constraints), then I'm happy with the number of fish I have. If at some point, the water quality starts dipping because I'm overstocked, then we have a few options:

• Do more frequent water changes
• Rehome some fish
• Buy a bigger tank
• Increase the amount of water volume in the system by installing a large sump or canister filter
• Add more biological filtration like live plants (especially fast growing ones that absorb lots of fish waste)

Fans of live plants often recommend having a ton more greenery than fish to avoid overstocking issues, so I may give that a shot this time around. Good luck to all of us and keep on swimming!

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Follow the rest of this series: 50 Ways to Kill Your Fish.

How to Make Friends as an Adult, Part 4: The Tale of Four Friends

All this time, I've proclaimed the wonders of the Friendship Funnel and how great the method has worked for meeting people and making new friends. Today's where the rubber meets the road. Let me tell you about four different friendships in my life and what it really looks like to put these relationship tools into practice.

3 Decades and Counting

Technically I met my best friend at age three, so this counts more as a childhood friendship. However, in adulthood we went to colleges 800+ miles apart, started our first professional jobs in the same city, and then split up once more a couple of years after getting married. And most likely, I'll never live in the same state as her again.

So why is she still my BFF to this day? I can't remember who started it, but in college we decided to become accountability partners in our walks with Christ. Ever since then, we've maintained a weekly call, hangout, or video chat to ask how the other is doing and pray for one another. The funny thing is that we rarely text or call each other between our scheduled meetings, but she absolutely is that steady rock I know I can count on, no matter how many years pass or miles increase between us. And that indeed is a rare, once-on-a-lifetime friendship that I'll probably never be able to recreate.

Yes, I totally ask my BFF to stand up for the webcam so I can see how her belly is coming along. Just a part of having a long-distance relationship!

Mismatched Expectations

During our "married without kids" season, we naturally hung out with a lot of other couples in the same life stage. One of the women really sought me out for one-on-one hangouts, and we quickly connected over tea and cats. Unfortunately, she wanted our relationship to go much deeper at a faster rate than I was comfortable with. A good heart-to-heart every once in a while is normal, but when every meeting becomes a soul-bearing session where you have to play the counselor... it becomes very draining. Healthy friendships are a two-way street where both people give and take, and I felt like I was unable to give her the emotional support she needed. And I didn't require as much emotional support as she was willing to offer. A mismatch in friendship needs, if you will.

Eventually Mr. Gamer and I moved states, and I gradually let the distance, both physically and relationally, grow between us. At one point, the woman did ask me why I didn't want to keep in touch with her as much anymore, and I told her truthfully that I wanted to focus on making friends in my new hometown. In hindsight, I wish I had the courage to tell her the whole story, so she could learn and grow from our relationship.

Don't Discount the Quiet Ones

After moving, we eventually found a church to attend with a Bible study for married couples with young kids. I felt an immediate connection with one of the women there, but she seemed rather... quiet and shy. Like, to the point where I had no idea if she thought I might be a potential friend too. We did this dance for several months, kinda clicking but then never really spending time together outside of church.

I think our friendship would have forever failed to launch if she hadn't randomly asked me to teach her 7-year-old daughter how to knit. We would get together once a week (see what I mean about consistent one-on-one meetings?), and I would instruct both her and her kiddo. Eventually her daughter got tired of the craft, and then it seemed like our friendship would fizzle out now that our excuse to hangout regularly had disappeared. Luckily, my friend told me about her bucket list to run a 5K race, and I jumped at the chance to train with her. So we moved from being crafting buddies to workout partners, which is a much better match. We both need motivation to keep in shape, so our get-togethers every two or three weeks usually involve taking a long walk and chatting about life, family, and Jesus.

A Work in Progress

My final story involves a current work-in-progress relationship. I've been on the hunt for playdate buddies for my kindergarten-age son, and I found a classmate whose mom is easy to talk to. We set up a low-key first playdate at an indoor playground and it went swimmingly, especially with our youngest children being around the same age. I approached the mom for a second playdate a few weeks later, and it was also a success. I found out she likes to crochet, so maybe after Thanksgiving is over, I'll see if she'd be interested in hanging out sans kids for a craft night over a pot of tea. Just taking it slowly with low expectations, so we'll see what comes of it!

All my friends must love tea! (Just kidding, but it's a bonus. ^_~)

Well, I hope you enjoyed this series on making friends in adulthood. I'm by no means an expert and am still learning how to be a better friend to others, but I've found these basic techniques for developing new relationships to be tried and true. Best of luck with your current and future friendships, and send me a comment if I can be of any help!

How to Make Friends as an Adult, Part 3: How to Turn an Acquaintance into a Friend Worth Keeping

In this series so far, we've talked about the Friendship Funnel and how to make friends by meeting, filtering, and investing in people. Part 2 focused on where and how to meet potential friends. Part 3 explores what it means to filter and invest in people. These two steps go hand in hand because in order to determine if someone is a friend worth keeping, you need to invest time to really get to know him or her.

Spend Time Together

If you've met an individual several times in group settings and your personalities seem to click, now it's time to test the waters and find out what kind of friend she is. For me, that involves hanging out on a one-to-one basis. Conversations tend to deepen once you get past the small talk and you find out what the other person actually thinks about his boss, spouse, and even political and religious views.

Take the Initiative

You need to make the first step, not wait on the other person. People get busy with life and may not make friendship a priority, so it's up to you to text, call, and arrange a meeting. And to avoid the back-and-forth phone tag of "I dunno, what do you want to do?" – have a plan. Give them a choice between two fun options, such as going on a hike, grabbing lunch or a cup of coffee, arranging a playdate, or catching a movie together. The more you get to know each other, the better ideas you two will have for next time's hangout.

If you've extended the invitation to meet up and haven't gotten a response after a couple of times, don't be hurt or offended. It takes two to tango, and not everyone needs more friends in their current season of life. Just assume that they're not interested or don't have the time right now. You can try again in the future to see if their schedule frees up, but in the meanwhile, move onto the next person.

Be a Person of Integrity

At the risk of sounding like your mother, here are some rules of common courtesy that all good friends should keep:

• Confirm the meeting with your friend the day beforehand – they may have forgotten entirely.
• If you agree to meet, then keep your word. Don't leave your friend hanging while you're waiting to see if better plans come along.
• Along those same lines, don't say "We should totally hang out next week" when your schedule is already booked or you have no intention of doing so. It sounds polite at the time, but it sets inappropriate expectations.
• If you have to cancel for legitimate reasons, cancel responsibly and reschedule a new time. Give the other person plenty of advance notice so they have time to make new plans.
• Show up on time or even early to the meeting, and call or text if you're going to be late.

Schedule Regular Meetings

After a few one-on-one hangouts, you'll naturally start to sort people into different categories. In general, people have a core group of confidants, a bigger circle of friends and hangout buddies, and then everyone else in the world, ranging from acquaintances to networking connections to complete strangers. The key is to really invest time into those best and good friends. Unfortunately, it's all too easy for many adult friendships to fizzle out from a lack of effort and organization. To prevent this from happening, make your closest friendships a regular commitment that you both agree to.

"Do you pinky promise that we're going to meet every third Wednesday of the month?"

Scheduling repeating meetups may sound really corny, but it works! I video chat with my long-distance best friend every Saturday morning before the kids get up, and I have a weekly playdate with another mom of young kids. For my regular friends, I loosely schedule a hangout every two to three weeks and then rotate among them. Even Mr. Gamer has a regular Thursday guys night with his best friend at their fav Mexican restaurant, and if they can't meet for three weeks, Mr. Gamer makes sure to follow up as soon as his friend is back in town because it's so easy to lose that habit.

Bottom line: spending time together is the glue that keeps friendships going for the long haul. Given how long it takes to find and develop a really good relationship, it's certainly worth the extra effort to keep it going. For some friends, that means getting up at 5 am every morning to run together. For others that may live far away, that may mean writing a huge email twice a year to catch up. In Part 4 of the series, I'll show you a few real life examples of my friendships, how they developed, and where we are today.

Question:
How did you meet your closest or oldest friend?

How to Make Friends as an Adult, Part 2: Where to Meet Potential Friends

Last week I introduced the Friendship Funnel and how you need to continually meet, filter, and invest in people to make new friends. In this article, let's focus on the "meet" part of the equation – how do you intentionally encounter new groups of people?

Top 4 Places for Finding Friends

There are a ton of situations and gatherings where you can meet new people, but the groups where I've had the most success had these things in common:

1. An area of interest for you
2. Regularly occurring meetings that happen at least once a month (or are supplemented with active social media channels, chatrooms, or forums)
3. Growing membership with both new and longtime participants

Here are a few examples of where I have personally found and made friends despite not knowing anyone:

Church

Churches encourage fellowship, community, and love for your fellow man, so usually members have a culture of being very open to making new friends. (If not, try another church.) Upon finding a church to call home, I quickly get plugged into one of their Bible studies to meet individuals in a smaller group setting. After regularly attending for several weeks, suddenly you'll find people calling out your name after Sunday service and asking how your kids are doing.

Serving in a ministry is also a great way to get to know a subset of people at church. A friend of mine attends the local megachurch, and when I asked if she ever felt lost among the masses, she said that she and her husband serve with 20 other adults in the Sunday school class for first graders, and she has become very close with the other volunteers. (Oh my goodness, how many first graders are we talking about??)

Kids Groups

Speaking of kids, I made friends a lot faster once I became a parent. You have an automatic commonality to connect over and everyone likes to talk about their babies, the latest milestone, the troubles they're having, and such. I met other stay-at-home parents through my church's moms group, but there are plenty of community playdate groups, library reading times for toddlers, children's museums, and playgrounds to visit. And if your kiddos are in school, it's easy to run across other parents during pickup times, sports games, or when volunteering for your son's Halloween party. I just tell other moms, "Hey, our girls seem to get along so why don't we have a playdate?" and then you have the perfect opportunity to exchange phone numbers.

Don't you love drinking tea and bonding over how much you miss sleeping and taking daily showers? (Source: Suzanne Shahar)

Community

If church or kids aren't your thing, not to worry – there are loads of community groups and activities. I mentioned the library before, but there's also your home owner's association (HOA), service projects to clean up the town, neighborhood block parties, local alumni groups, classes and group outings for senior citizens, and much more. I know a family guy in his late 20's who wanted to make a difference in his city's government, so he attended a few political rallies and town meetings and now is running for office for the first time with the backing of his local representatives. Whatever you're passionate about, go for it!

Hobbies

Speaking of interests, join a club that supports your hobby. Want to get in shape as your New Year's resolution? Attend gym classes, find workout buddies for accountability, or partner up with someone to train for a 5K race. Adore cats? Volunteer at the nearby humane society to find fellow feline lovers. There are knitting groups, tabletop gaming enthusiasts, sports bar regulars, dog parks, fish keeping clubs... pretty much something for everyone.

As for places where I haven't had as much luck, they include:

• Work: When I was fresh out of college, I made lots of friends with other recent grads. However, once people got older, they were generally less free with their time due to family commitments. Plus, I worked in a male-dominated engineering company and didn't feel like being super-friendly with married men. Afterwards, I joined an all-female marketing company, but by then I was a remote worker from home and everyone else lived in other states. Them's the breaks.
• My Spouse's Friend's Spouse: Mr. Gamer has some buddies that he hangs out with on their guys' nights out. As of yet, I have not really clicked with any of his friends' wives. I just find that the odds are low where both husbands and both wives get along. So he has his guy friends and I have my female friends, and we just don't hang out as couples.
• Family Functions: Friendships are kinda hit or miss with extended family since you can't really choose your relatives (or how far away they live). I've been very fortunate to bond with my mother-in-law, whereas I rarely see the other female relatives outside of holiday and birthday parties.

3 More Tips on Meeting Potential Friends

Before we end this article, here's some general advice and things to consider when looking for potential friends

• Second Time's a Charm: Think about the most valuable friends you've had in the past and what they all had in common. If you only have a limited amount of time to spend with people at a party, try talking first to the ones that most resemble your BFFs personality-wise.
• Opposites Attract: Yes, your odds of finding compatibility may be higher when you seek individuals who are very similar to you. However, don't forget the adage that "opposites attract." Your next hangout buddy doesn't necessarily have to have the same viewpoints, experiences, or even life stage as you (such as in mentor and mentee relationship). I love learning something new from someone who has traveled a different path in life. Remember that variety is the spice of life!
• Never Say Never: Don't automatically talk yourself out of trying a friendship. We often form assumptions about individuals after meeting them once, and then presume that a relationship with them is doomed to fail. Case in point, Mr. Gamer didn't hit it off immediately with a fellow coworker, but after working together for several months, they later on became close friends with much to geek out about.

In Part 3 of the series, we'll continue our series by talking about how to develop friendships and invest in the people you care about. Now go forth and meet new people!

Question:
Where have you had the most success meeting potential friends?