How to Make Friends as an Adult, Part 1: The Friendship Funnel

There's an art to making friends as an adult. Many studies and articles have been written about how easy it is to make friends in school because you're in constant proximity, but as adults we get busy with life – work, travel, the kids' soccer games, family commitments, etc. Our social circle (I'm talking about real friends, not social media followers) get smaller and smaller, and before you know it, your life has somehow become more isolated and, well, boring.

Starting from Square One

When Mr. Gamer and I moved to another state to be closer to family, I was suddenly dropped into a world where I worked from home and knew no one except my husband and parents-in-law. Video chats with my old friends back home weren't cutting it; I was painfully lonely and desperate to meet new people. Over the course of three years, I developed a systematic method for finding and making friends when you're starting from zero.

Obviously, this technique may not be for everyone. Full disclosure: I am an introvert by nature that merely endures big gatherings and favors hanging out with friends individually. (In group settings, I feel like conversations stay in the shallow end of the pool and tend to be dominated by the most outgoing speakers.) I hate talking on the phone (so awkward) and prefer spending time doing fun activities or having face-to-face conversations. Unfortunately – as a working professional, wife, and now mom of young kids – it seems really hard to find other women who are willing to take the time to have a one-on-one meeting for the purpose of having fun.

The Friendship Funnel

Have you heard of the "sales funnel"? In the business world, it's the strategic process of converting a potential customer who's never heard of your company into a paying customer who can't live without your products. It's also described as a funnel because you may start off with a ton of prospects, but a lot of people will drop off along the way until you have just a handful left by comparison. In the same way, the friendship funnel is the relationship process of meeting people, finding out who you connect with, pursuing them, and then investing in the relationships that stick.

1) Meet People

When describing how to make friends, I use a lot of dating analogies because they both have similar goals – you're actively trying to find good people who have something in common with you and might be worth forming a relationship with. In the book How to Get a Date Worth Keeping (which Mr. Gamer totally used to catch me), the author says you can't just pray for a spouse to magically drop into your lap and then stay in your house all day doing nothing. Unless your future partner happens to be the mailman, making friends and dating require you to get out there and meet new people. And honestly, it's a numbers game because the more individuals you meet, the more likely you'll find someone you really click with.

In Part 2 of this series, we'll dive into the best ways to meet people.

2) Filter People

Not everyone you encounter is going to like you (and vice versa). Remember that here in our imperfect world, you will inevitably run across people you don't get along with, so expect it and don't take it personally. Whether or not someone appreciates you and your awesome idiosyncrasies has no bearing on your worth in God's eyes.

Even if you and another person instantly connect upon first meeting, that person may not have the same need or time for friendship as you. In the book Friendship for Grown-Ups, the author describes people who happen to be in very different seasons of life. One woman may be looking for a casual workout buddy, while another may be needing a close confidant. One man may be recently retired with plenty of time on his hands, while another may already have too many commitments and a full dance card. So don't be hurt or offended if your "potential friend" doesn't have the same expectations as you. Just chalk it up to a mismatch in compatibility and move on.

3) Invest in People

As you gradually convert your list from "people I've met once" to "people who want to be friends," remember that it takes time, money, commitment, and emotional investment to maintain a healthy friendship. It's surprisingly easy for time to fly by and life to get busy until, before you know it, half a year has passed since you last talked to your "friend." Luckily, you won't need to invest an equal amount of effort into everyone. It's only natural that different people will fall into the buckets of Acquaintance, Friend, or Close Confidant. As your friendships develop and mature, you'll start to find your hangout buddies, couples friends, friends for a season, and so on.

In Part 3 of this series, I'll specifically address how to move an acquaintance into the friend zone (the good kind).

4) Repeat

The reality is that people change and sometimes relationships run their course. Your friends will move, find new jobs, get married, have kids, or just plain get weird on you. You may have a random fight and then nothing's ever the same again. The other person may stop texting back for no reason. On the other hand, sometimes life gets insanely crazy for you both, and you grow closer and stay best friends forever.

In Part 4 of this series, I'll cover a few real-life examples of my own friendships and how they've weathered over time.

Bottom line: don't let life get stagnant on you! Keep meeting new people and add them to your "friendship pipeline," no matter how old you are. Who knows, you may be lucky enough to meet your new BFF in your eighties and nineties. ( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )

Question:
What tried and true ways have you used to make new friends as an adult?

50 Ways to Kill Your Fish: Impatience

This is a hard lesson to learn. When you first begin the hobby, it's so exciting and you just want beautiful fish in your aquarium now now now. You already went through the trouble of cycling your tank, so finally it's time to go on a huge fish shopping spree, right? Right?

Patience is key. Don't rush things. You hear that over and over again on the forums, but... I don't think there's really any way to comprehend how much waiting fish keeping requires until you kill a buncha fish and walk through that depression. Here are three real-life stories how I inadvertently killed my fish with impatience:

1) Quarantining multiple fish from different sources

"Hobbyist mediated pandemic" was a phrase I first heard from this awesome video on keeping discus. As soon as the speaker described the issue, I was shocked to discover the huge mistake I had been making. Nobody had ever told me this was wrong! You see, I was always diligent about quarantining new fish, but like many excited newbies, I was buying fish from multiple stores and quarantining them all together...

For example, I once purchased some marbled hatchetfish and put them into quarantine. A week later I decided to add one more neon tetra to my existing school, so I plopped the new guy in with the hatchetfish. Nothing wrong with that, right? Unbeknownst to me, the hatchetfish had ich that didn't show up during their two weeks in quarantine (also due to my impatience), and the neon tetra promptly caught it and was one of the first casualties. (╥_╥)

The problem is that fish from different sources will harbor different kinds of pathogens. By throwing creatures from three different pet stores together in quarantine, you're significantly upping your chances that someone's carrying something bad that's going to infect everyone.

Here's what to do instead: take your time, go to one shop to buy fish, quarantine them, and after they're fully done with quarantine, go to another shop to pick up more. Don't try to speed things up by overlapping quarantine times – patience.


Yes, this is proof of me creating the perfect storm for a "hobbyist mediated pandemic."

2) Buying new fish and returning them

This is basically a case of me horribly abusing the pet store return policy. (⇀‸↼‶) After my first community tank crashed, I started planning my perfect aquarium version 2.0 that combined a peaceful group of fish with a colorful male betta as the centerpiece. But it's hard to know if you're going to get a nice or naughty betta. So, while I was only buying from the same store, I was constantly mixing and matching different community fish and bettas in quarantine to see if I could find a combination where they all got along. And if there was aggression, then I would either return the bully or the victim. Yeah, don't do that.

Changing up roommates in rapid succession is very stressful, so make your decision and live with it. Or at the very least, slow down the exchange of fish (which means you can't rely on the return policy for buyer's remorse). Fully complete the quarantine process before adding new animals or rehoming them. This gives the fish time to get used to their unfamiliar environment, eat well, and build up their immunity again.

3) Making decisions when stuff is still unresolved

At one point, my melanoid axolotl Kalameet was in a hospital tank because he wasn't eating and seemed to have bad bloating in his stomach. I was tired of looking at an empty tank and started envisioning changes I wanted to make for his "homecoming." Maybe I could get a hardy java fern to replace the anubias congensis he had accidentally squashed. Maybe I could start quarantining some shrimp or white cloud mountain minnows to breed and serve as roommates/snacks. I had it all planned out and ready to execute, but.... God held me back. I know it's going to sound weird, but He told me to wait seven weeks before I bought any extra plants or feeder species. So I grumpily agreed. And you know what? That call for extra patience was correct. Despite my best efforts, Kalameet took a turn for the worse and passed away a few days later.

Back in the day, when Kalameet was happily crushing the poor anubias congensis

As sad as that story is, I'm so glad God asked me to take a pause. I already had the arduous task of tearing down and cleaning out Kalameet's tank, but at least I wasn't also loaded down with a bunch of minnows that I no longer needed. And not having the extra fish to take care of now means that I've been afforded a new opportunity – the freedom to choose whether I want to keep more fish, stick with axolotls, or quit the hobby all together. As of today, my seven weeks is still not up, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'll keep you updated as I continue blogging about my fish keeping journey.

Question:
What do you think I should do – keep community fish, get another axolotl, or move on? Let me know in the comments below.

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Follow the rest of this series: 50 Ways to Kill Your Fish.

50 Ways to Kill Your Fish: Uncycled Aquarium

Don't Panic About Aquarium Cycling!

Despite being a habitual researcher, I balked at learning about the aquarium cycle. It's because everyone made it sound so tedius! They would immediately dive into complex chemical terms and scientific names, and it made my eyes roll into my head in boredom. Here's the very simple, "Cycling for Dummies" explanation...

What Does Cycling an Aquarium Mean?

It means your fish or other aquatic animals have the ability to live in an aquarium without dying in their own waste (like ammonia and urea). This can be accomplished in several ways:

1. Do frequent water changes to manually remove the waste. 
2. Grow beneficial bacteria that will convert the fish waste into a less toxic chemical, which buys you more time between water changes.
3. Use live plants (or algae) that will directly uptake ammonia and convert it into new leaves and plant growth.

Note: That means that putting water in your tank and letting it sit without fish for a week will not cycle your tank (been there, done that). Cycling is a means of removing ammonia, not aging water. Also, plecos and other bottom dwellers do not eat poop; they make it. :)

What is the Best Method of Cycling My Aquarium?

This is a totally a matter of opinion, so I'll tell you my story. When I first started researching aquarium cycling, the most popular method people on the internet recommend is method #2, specifically using fishless cycling to grow beneficial bacteria. This involves pouring liquid ammonia (aka fake fish waste) into your tank as a food source for the bacteria and then waiting till you grow enough bacteria to consume the ammonia. Since I did not have a source of beneficial bacteria to kick start the growth in my tank, a couple of months passed without anything happening so I gave up. (And apparently this is not uncommon.)

The next thing I tried was fish-in cycling, which means putting a very small number of fish in your tank and growing beneficial bacteria off their waste. Unlike using liquid ammonia, having actual fish poop is a surefire way that bacteria will come. I used two cory catfish in a 20-gallon tank, fed them lightly, and carefully monitored the water parameters. Contrary to popular belief, they thrived without incident and naturally grew beneficial bacteria over the course of several weeks.


Unfortunately, after a couple of encounters with disease, I had to wipe out all my good bacteria with the bad when sanitizing my aquarium. That's when I discovered the miracle of live plants. I'd always used fake plants before because a) live plants seemed difficult and b) I hated the algae problems that seemed to come with them. However, aquascaped tanks full of foliage looked so beautiful, so I decided to give it a shot with my nano tank. There are many super easy low-light aquarium plant species that can be tied to a rock and basically treated like a fake plant. The difference was incredible though. I did an experiment to see how long I could go without changing the water, and even a month later, ammonia and nitrites were still 0 ppm and the nitrate levels were only 5 to 10 ppm! Σ(°ロ°) That never happened in my tanks with no plants and beneficial bacteria only. Surprisingly, using live plants for biological filtration seems to be one of fastest ways to cycle your aquarium (assuming you're starting from scratch like I was).

All the java fern and anubias plants are tied onto rocks or décor that are easily moved for cleaning.

Bottom line: how does nature clean up fish poop? It gets washed away or diluted (method #1) from rain and other water sources, and bacteria and plants (methods #2 and 3) break it down as food. I highly recommend using all three methods to keep your fish happy and your water clean.

P.S. A huge thanks to Aquarium Co-Op's video that covers this subject more in-depth. I just discovered Cory's YouTube channel and I really appreciate how he speaks from his own experiences, not just what is repeated on the internet.

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Follow the rest of this series: 50 Ways to Kill Your Fish.

My Husband Left His Dream Job as a Video Game Developer

Sticking by my soulmate "for richer or for poorer" (Source: Christopher Michel)

I always imagined my husband would be someone like my dad – tall, gangling, wears glasses, has a solid job as an engineer. Mr. Gamer is tall with a sense of humor, but that's where the similarities end. He's barrel-chested, has perfect eyesight, and holds an insanely unstable career as a video game developer. In the first four years we were married, he worked at four different game studios. Let me tell you how each of his jobs ended:

1. Game got canceled
2. Studio got bought out
3. Studio closed
4. Game got canceled 

As you can see, the success rate of video game studios and their products is not great. Why does this perpetual cycle of job loss happen? This guy answered it better than me (pardon my paraphrasing):

Since the industry is project-based, job length tends to be directly associated with product development cycles. Companies tend to dump staff once a project ships since they don't need a full production team for starting development on the next project. Now the nicer companies will use temporary contract hires for short term production staffing needs. This lets the employee know that they likely don't have a paycheck when the project ends. However, the big publishers regularly cut even full-time staff once the Christmas games are sent to manufacturing.

The other piece is that when finishing up a title, employees are more likely to look around at other options. If you've just shipped your third football title and are burned out on the genre, you tend to wait until the game is done and then find another job somewhere else.

While there are some developers that have spent an entire career at a single company, what is far more common is finishing 1-2 games at a studio and then moving off to another one.

It's similar to the movie industry: once you finish a film, everyone splits ways and finds another project to work on. However, unlike Hollywood where short-term contractors are protected by unions, the video game business has no such safeguarding in place.

Mr. Gamer says that's why most game developers (unless you're in management) tend to be in their 20's – fresh out of college, willing to work long hours, and happy to uproot and change companies every year or so. Now that my husband's been married a decade with two young kids who love to tackle him every chance they get, he's not so happy with the unpredictability of his career. And he's tired of having his hard work not amount to squat, either from too many cooks in the kitchen or from another project failing to launch. Call it a midlife crisis, I guess, but Mr. Gamer is now in the process of trying to untangle himself from his longtime career mistress, the video game industry. (⊙_⊙)

Aww, who wouldn't want to spend more time with their mini-me? (Source: TNS Sofres)

The big question Mr. Gamer is wrestling with is what to do as an ex-designer. Artists can get work as artists, programmers can continue programming, producers usually become project managers... but designers don't seem to be applicable anywhere else. Their job skills include making game mechanics, the story and characters, maps, and/or scenarios. Not very useful in the "real world" outside of video games

Despite this long season of not having any idea what our next steps should be, God has been so faithful in providing for us day after day. And there's been such incredible spiritual growth in both of us, born out of these trials. I feel like I'm a completely different woman, wife, and mother than I was a year ago. Our story ending is still unwritten as of yet, but I'm so hopeful that the light at the end of the tunnel is near. Pray that Mr. Gamer will be able to find work that pays the bills, has good work-life balance, provides him creative control, and isn't too soul-crushing. 八(＾□＾*)

50 Ways to Kill Your Fish: Buy Sick Fish

This advice may sound obvious, but buy the healthiest fish you can. When you go to the pet store, don't let the employee choose any ol' fish that ends up in the net. I used to stand in front of the shop tanks and stare at the fish forever until I was sure of which ones I wanted... the most lively, engaging, beautiful creatures possible!

What Are the Signs of a Healthy Fish? (aka How Can I Tell If My Fish Is Sick?)

It can really depend on the species, but here are some general guidelines of what to look for:

• Appetite: Healthy fish are always looking for food, so loss of appetite is one of the first telltales that something's wrong. Don't be afraid to ask an employee to feed the fish as proof of their hunger. This is especially useful for species that are notoriously picky eaters.
• Swimming Ability: You should be able to immediately spot any fish that are having difficulty swimming, can't stay upright, or keep bumping into things.
• Energy Level: Lethargic fish with no energy can be a sign of illness (or they could be sleeping). Conversely, swimming quickly or erratically can be a sign of distress.
• Breathing: Look out for fish that keep gasping for air at the surface or have unusually rapid gill movement. 
• Outlier Behavior: Remember that Sesame Street game "One of these things is not like the other"? Yeah, don't pick the oddball. If this fish is alone and it's supposed to be schooling fish, just say no. If it's hovering near the water surface or sitting at the bottom (and that's not usual for the species), then beware. If it's an overly aggressive fighter or an overly shy wallflower hiding behind the filter for a long time, it may be way stressed out.
• Imperfections: This isn't a comprehensive list, but some common signs include...
• Wounds: ragged or white burns on fins and tail, short barbels, holes, missing scales
• Discoloration: faded color, white patches, cloudy eye, stress bars, inflamed gills
• Parasites: white or gold spots, worms in poop or gills
• Deformities: scales that don't lay flat (like a pine cone), swollen eyes, crooked back or tail

I'll give you an example. Our new turquoise and yellow betta suddenly died while in quarantine, so I wanted to replace him with another turquoise and yellow betta. There was a beautiful one that looked very similar to our original fish, but he just seemed... not very responsive. I know bettas in cups don't have a lot of room to move, but still. On the other hand, there was another all-blue betta who wasn't maybe as striking, but was very responsive and lively. I chose to go with personality and health over appearance, and I'm happy to say he's just as dynamic and charming as the day we got him. (o˘◡˘o)

In the King of DIY's How to Keep Discus video, the speaker recommends starting with obviously healthy stock because a poor quality fish will not magically turn into a beautiful specimen. That advice of course all depends on your goals in fish keeping. There are some people who like to rescue sickly bettas (or other animals) from stores or friends. There are numerous amazing transformation pictures posted online, so good care can definitely go quite a ways. However, just be aware that if you choose to go that route, that's no guarantee of success because you are starting off at a disadvantage. It's going to take a lot of effort, time, and money to potentially bring your patient back from the brink of death.

I always enjoy seeing successful betta rescue transformations. (Source: Reddit)

Picking happy, healthy creatures is going to give you the best leg up in, well, not killing your fish. Hopefully now you'll know what to look out for. Good luck and keep on swimming!